Indians are honest people. A bookie calls Hansie Cronje before the

 match between India and SouthAfrica.

 Cell phone rings. Hansie picks up.

 Cronje : hello

 Bookie : I am ....... Here.

 Cronje : yes tell me

 Bookie : how is the pitch

 Cronje : ya dry and good for batting

 Bookie : I want u to loose today's match

 Cronje : impossible

 Bookie : I will pay u $200,000

 Cronje : will be difficult to make India win.

 Bookie : I will pay u $250,000

 Cronje : May be I could help you by reducing the margin... u tell by

 what margin we should win... will be much more easier

 Bookie : no India should win

 Cronje : OK. I will try my best

 Bookie : no make it.

 Cronje : OK.

 Bookie : what will be the score

 Cronje : 300, if we bat first

 Bookie : no make it 220

 Cronje : Impossible. Agarkar and Joshi are playing.

 Bookie : 220 no change.

 Cronje : I will try

 Bookie : OK. I f India bat first

 Cronje : 180

 Bookie : no make it 275

 Cronje : no u are asking too much. Dravid is playing.

 Bookie : OK make it $300,000

 Cronje : This would be the toughest match in my life

 Bookie : OK, deal is made.

 Cronje : yes

 Bookie : bye.

 Match starts India bats first. India score only 220 in 50 overs.

 During the lunch break Hansie's cell rings.

 Cronje : hello

 Bookie : its me. why did India score only 220. Our deal was 275.

 Cronje : What can I do ? They run one when they could run three,

 defend full toss, get out on wide balls, all

 catches and shots... I mean, if there is any... exactly directed

 to the fielders. But I will tell you this, Indians are too good

 at this, I tried re-arranging the field...but they never miss a fielder.

 Bookie : still u could bowl more no-balls. We got only 63 extras.

 Cronje : I asked all my bowlers to bowl badly. I also made Kirsten and

 Gibbs bowl.

 Bookie : Okay... leave that... I want u to loose the match.

 Cronje : I will try.

 Bookie : South Africa should be all out for 180

 Cronje : OK.

 Bookie : bye.

 S. Africa bats. They are making a serious attempt to not hit the ball

 and if at all they hit trying their best to hit to the fielders. They

 try to run only singles for doubles. But sometimes, they can't stop

 themselves from running. All South African batsmen

 charged down to Joshi's bowling and they purposely miss the ball

 hoping at least one would hit the stumps. But they got to run a bye for that as Dighe is

 still searching for the ball. Inspite of the bad display of batting,

 they score 218 of 49 overs. Last over, 3 runs

 required, the worst part is that its an Agarkar over. Hansie is

 batting with Strydom. Bookie gets really furious.

 Hansie is ready to face the last over his cell rings (he plays with his cell).

 Cronje : hello

 Bookie : its me! . What are you upto ?

 Cronje : We tried the best we could

 Bookie : OK forget it. I want u to loose the match

 Cronje : what can I do. Fate !!! Agarkar is bowling

 Bookie : I don't know... u are loosing

 Agarkar bowls... Hansie tries to hide his bat behind his back. But the

 ball hits the bat and goes to third man. So they take a single.

 (cell rings)

 Cronje : sorry what can I do I was hiding my bat but still the ball

 comes and hit my bat. If I play much worse than this everybody will

 find out.

 Bookie : (gets really tensed). OK I can understand. But please don't

 take last two runs.

 Hansie talks to strydom. Agarkar bowls... a juicy full toss. Strydom

 uses all his batting skills to restrict that one to a single. Scores

 are level.

 (cell rings)

 Bookie : OK. Past is past. Atleast finish it in a tie. I don't know

 what u are going to do u are not taking a single or u give u'r bat to

 the umpire.

 Cronje : OK. OK. Don't worry this time I will! see to it we are not

 taking the single. Let it be obvious also. I am not taking the single.

 Agarkar bowls, unfortunately he bowls a no ball. South Africa wins the match.

 Bookie goes mad and Hansie faints in the field itself.

 Moral - With a team like ours, who needs to fix a match

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been
$0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to
Citibank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." 

 Supervisor gets on the phone:Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you,
she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still
apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."
(Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could
just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." ( What is
wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

Laloo, Rabri and his son were returning from south by train.

Laloo was occupying the lower berth, Rabri the middle berth and his son

the top most berth in the train compartment.

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell
for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do
here?" He told,"First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil
comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on.

He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He
discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of
people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil
comes in and beats you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the
same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get
in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not
work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a
former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs
the register and then goes to the canteen !!!!!!

Husband & Wife - Problem Father

-------------------------------

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father."

"But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's wonderful? My wife

doesn't know about it yet."

Husband & Wife - Why ?

----------------------

Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.

Why, Dad ?

Why,me?

Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

Husband & Wife - Same Service

-----------------------------

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.

Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor.

"You're still getting the same service!"

Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband

-----------------------------------

One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"

Husband & Wife - Come Home Late

-------------------------------

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out:

"Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.

"Cured him ?"

asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."