Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son.

Laloo: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I want to choose my own bride".
Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...... Yes"

Next Laloo approaches Mukesh Ambani
Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."
Ambani : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Laloo : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Ambani : "Ah, in that case.....Yes"

Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President :"But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case.......Yes."

This is how business is done!!!

TEACHER: Why are you late?

L-JOHNY: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

L-JOHNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?

L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: Johny, how do you spell "crocodile"?

L-JOHNY: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

L-JOHNY: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

L-JOHNY: "HIJKLMNO"!!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

L-JOHNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered America?

L-JOHNY: George!

TEACHER: Johny, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have

ten years ago.

L-JOHNY: Me!

TEACHER: Johny, why do you always get so dirty?

L-JOHNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

L-JOHNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?

FATHER: I think so. What do you want me To write?

L-JOHNY: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?

L-JOHNY! : Don't bite any.

TEACHER: Johny, give me a sentence starting with "I".

L-JOHNY: I is...

TEACHER: No, Johny. Always say, "I am."

L-JOHNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

L-Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day same

time."

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry

tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father

didn't punish him?"

L-Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

L-Johnny : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?

Father : No. Why do you ask that?

L-Johnny : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green

and one is blue with red spots!

L-Johnny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at

home.

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped

him, what virtue would I be showing?

L-Johnny: Brotherly love.

Teacher: Now, Johny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?

L-Johnny : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Teacher: Johny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your

brother's. Did u copy his?

L-Johnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Teacher: What do you call a person who ! keeps on talking when people

are no longer interested?

L-Johnny : A teacher

Three police squads , The Scotland Yard police , The NY Police and the Punjab Sardar brigade contest for the best police force award . The judges lead them to the Gir forest of India and assign them the mission. He who captures an adult Lion and brings it back alive in the fastest time will be adjudged the best.
First Scotland Yard goes into the forest and comes back in half an hour with a Lion all tied up. Then the NY police go in and come back in 15 minutes with a tied up lion. Lastly the sardar brigade goes in. 15 minutes , half an hour , one hour goes and no sign of our sardarjis .The judges give up and decide to search for them . They go into the forest . After some searching , they find the sardarjis all excitedly yelling near a tree . The sardarjis have tied up a big bear to a tree and one of them is shouting , "Bol tu sher Hai ! Saala Bol ! tu Sher Hai !! " (Admit that you are a lion! You @#$%@! You are a lion)

A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to

explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is

how he went about it...

" So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked

him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and

she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to

some national forest or something... Since he was going, for like,

something like more than 10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife

and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out

together. But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man...

they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram,

kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.

But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his

babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and

also his bro, Laxman, pissed..... all the gods were with him... So

anyways,you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of

monkeys.. Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just

go along with me, ok... ..

so, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own

hood. Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest..and

anyways...it gets kinda boring,you know... no TV or malls or shit like

that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people

realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they

thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and

they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't

take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and

shit...and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also...

so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks...

Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks...

and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that

was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the

4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so

dude, that was how, like, this festival started."

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.

Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication

engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had

never heard of this college before!

Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an

admission into it.What happened is - due to cricket world cup I

scored badly in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college.

But my father said (Iprefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not

invest so much of money". (The baap actually said - "I will never

waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college.

Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most

be related to a Shetaki Mahavidyalaya he he he...

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete

your engineering.

Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But

you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis

tournaments.. It is difficult to concentrate.. So I flunked in

2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2   7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.

Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I

will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These

cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban

it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be

banned.

Candidate: No, no.. I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?

Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never

thought I would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year,

she was looking for a job for me in BEST(Bus corporation in

Maharashtra) through some relative.

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?

Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower'

education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms

have you worked?

Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my

current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my

platform then. As you can see I have experience of different

platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?

Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet

in German, French, Russian and many other languages he he he...

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?

Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a

higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with

a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?

Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the

language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?

Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the

times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?

Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd.

Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to

think that Bench was another software like Windows he he he..

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?

Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word

and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International

phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know

few words like - 'Showstoppers', 'hotfixes', 'SEI-CMM', 'quality',

'version control', 'deadlines' , 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also

I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?

Candidate: Not much.

1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.

2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it

should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects

natural talent.

3. I believe in flexi-timings.

4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like

to wear t-shirt and jeans.

5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest wednesday off

also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.

6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short

term

(preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I

prefer US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that

there is a world cup in West ! Indies in 2007,I don't mind going

there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don't have

many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our

organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before.