Gender and Computers joke

Why Computers Must be Female    Why Computers Must be Male    Why Compilers Must be Female

   1. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
   2. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
   3. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
   4. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
   5. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
   6. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



   1. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
   2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
   3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
   4. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
   5. It is always necessary to have a backup.
   6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

Computer Programmer and the Frog joke

A computer programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

Where Do Deleted Characters GoQuestion Mark joke

Wacky Computer Question: Where do the characters go when I use the backspace or delete them on my PC?

Answer: If you must know, the characters can go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

   1. Catholic explanation:

      The nice characters go to character heaven, where life is good. The characters are bathed in the light of happiness, all their troubles are soothed, and there's not a delete key, eraser, or white-out bottle in sight. Most of the nice characters are A's and I's, those that have never been, er, involved with other characters. Often, you'll see A's or I's with N's or T's. These are characters in love: monogamous on the page, together again after deletion. You'll see quite a few Q's too. They seem to feel particularly guilty for no good reason.

      The naughty characters are punished for their sins. In case you were wondering what the difference between a nice character and a naughty character is, I'll tell you. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," "objectivity," and depending upon usage, words such as "feminism," "reproductive freedom," "contraception," and "science." You may ask, and rightly so, why the characters are blamed for the words they assemble, when in fact they are not responsible for their own configuration. But we feel that a character has anobligation to oppose any naughtiness in its own configuration. If it truly felt guilty about the word it was forming, it would rebel.

   2. Buddhist explanation:

      If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, lower-case letters will become upper-case, and the most righteous and good of letters will become C's. Why C, you ask? Who knows, but C it is! If a character's karma is not so good, then it will move down the above scale, ultimately becoming the lowest of characters, a space.

   3. 20th Century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:

      Who cares? All characters are the same, swirling in a vast sea of meaningless nothingness. It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same. More characters should delete themselves. (Nihilist characters are easy to identify. They're usually pale and tragic, and they smoke a lot.)

   4. Mac user's explanation:

Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life joke

1. Your business card is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.

   2. You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

   3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

   4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

   5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

   6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers ... and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the sales- person stands by silently, nodding his head.

   7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

   8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

   9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-)

13. You back up your data every day.

14. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

15. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

Where is My Father? joke

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it."

At which a Clever Dick stepped forward -- there is always one -- and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone.

"Where is my father"?, he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words, "Fishing off Florida."

Clever Dick laughed.

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